Side by Side.

When I went to college I had severe anxiety. I had closed the chapter on some of the best years of my life, only to take a new book off the shelves without really knowing what the pages contained.

Let us travel back to the beautiful years before the college life and paint on the canvas of where it all began.

For some, high school was misery, loss and awkward. For others, it was bliss, love and crazy. And to those of the former, I truly am sorry. Because I fall into that latter category.  Those years for me were everything memorable. Everything I keep in a treasure chest of the hearts and everything I want to keep in the stories of my own personal library. I didn't say the days were always great and the nights were endless during those times. I didn't say that I didn't lock myself into my closet and shed tears when Friends aired the final episode of all time. I didn't say that I didn't cut my hair into a bob thinking it would fix my emotions. So, please don't hear what I didn't say.

However, those are the years we'll never get back. And not to be completely loose and melodramatic with my words (hold your judgement, especially if you know me well) if I were an oyster, I would say that's where I found a lot the pearls that have made up the necklace of my life. (What? You know that sounds sweet).

And you know how some people say, "I never stayed friends with any of my friends after high school... You never will?" Well, to those people, I get to say (in a polite and sweet way), "You were in every possible way, wrong. Very, very wrong."

A lot of us spread out when it came time for college. Some here. Some there. Some in other states. We all made new friends, some forever friends that will always be there. But we stand grounded still holding hands during the rough pains and the much needed deep soul laughs. And no one can take that from us. And no one can tell us otherwise.

From state to state, we have learned the meaning of phone calls, emails, Skype, group texts, farewell parties and coming home parties. When someone knows every side of you. Every great decision and every single and many many many wrong decisions you have made. Regardless of it all, the ones who are going to be there to tell you to shut up when you're believing lies. To calm you down when you're overreacting. And knowing that sometimes you don't want words, you just want presence and company. Those are the people you keep around. Those are the ones you would die for and die with. Those are the ones that you prefer to look your worst around, because putting on normal clothes and having to go out in public is just not the best option.

So, order a pizza, drink some wine and celebrate the friendship of what will never change. Regardless of location, time and season---we're still here. We're still friends. And you can't change that. No need to lock yourself in a closet and cry, because this era of these friends doesn't have an end date.

-S

Just Because.

No matter what age we are going to find ourselves, I feel like we'll always miss something:

A loved one we lost
Something special that was tarnished
Specific eras of our lives that marked great moments
A younger version of ourselves

There is always something. But do you ever have that feeling on those quiet and cloudy days when you find yourself missing something you never had?

I think you know what I mean. I think I know what I mean. But I could never really explain what I mean. Understand?

It's that simple and sweet moment, when the world gets quiet around you. You find yourself opening up the dusty shoe boxes in your heart that you packed away for a simple and lonely day. Re-reading lines of pages that were flooded with young and vibrant passions. Young and vibrant dreams. And then you realize you traded in fire for a flashlight and beauty turned boring.

My dear sojourner, you're not alone. Your heart is welcomed here. 

I understand those feelings. Feelings of the different. Feelings of the failure. Feelings of the longing for more. Feelings that you feel are sometimes more annoying than you want them to be. You just want to exhale for once and not feel like you have been holding your breath for the last 26 years. I get those feelings. But again, they're feelings.

My feelings are not always my reality. My reality is clear even when my heart is blurry.

Growing up, I always felt like a mis-fit, inside. But if we're honest with ourselves, didn't a lot of us feel that way? That not everyone understood us? That we were the ones that wanted to stand out and change the world? We would go places. Everyone else was just too simple and just too normal.

But over time, we put things in more boxes and scattered them into the small corners we call our memory. We traded in the places we thought we would go and put on a new nametag. "Hi, Simple, meet Normal."

However, the dreams are still there. They will never leave, because they're waiting for you. As my dear comrade, Henry, once said:

If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them. 

Come on, dear soul. Let's work on that foundation.

-S

Story Time.

I would like to say I'm a girl with imagination. A soul with stories. A dreamer that appears off her rocker. A singer for the quiet places. A color to a blank page. As I said, I would like to say these things and believe them to be true. Never did I tell you I was good at any of those...However, I am a story teller. Through and through. I could tell you a story off-the-cuff, fiction or true. You ask my why?

All I say: memory, baby. memory.

Let me explain with a brief story. Out at camp, when I worked with teenage inner-city girls, we walked and talked to activities. Or sometimes, we walked. And, well, OK, I sang. On one particular day, I was singing, with my "soulful Aretha Franklin" type voice--at least I thought I was. This is what happened:

Me: (singing deeply and with soul..I won't even type out what I sang...just imagine...just try)
Kadeedra: Girl, you off!
Me: Oh, no! Was I out of key on that?
Kadeedra: Nah, girl. YOU. YOU OFF!

And there you have it. At that moment, I was relieved that she didn't think I was off-key, rather that Kadeedra just thought I was crazy. That I could live with. That I could be at peace with knowing that I was "off."

I'm not going to write a blog post on how the "off" women change the world, because well, some of them really don't at all. Some of them just hang out in their off corner of the world and turn themselves off. But what this post is about is about a story. About any story. Because kid, your today is a story. Your yesterday is story. Each hour of your life makes up a part of a story. Some people don't know which chapters to share and which chapters to leave out.

There are no rules in the library of life. The only thing that is promoted here is something you were taught in kindergarten: share. Please share.

I write because I remember. I record it because I can. The only difference between our stories and the fiction of the world...No one can skip through all the middle only to read your last page and decide if you're "worth the read." Because honey, you are worth the read, because you are worth the write. The Author is a credible source, I promise.

I'm going to the library. You want to join? It's alright if you're off.

-S

On Waiting.

There are many events and circumstances in life that we can't always control:

Someone dying
Losing a job
Natural disasters
Unreciprocated love
Other people's decisions

Those are just some things. Some. However, in the process of a lot these issues we buckle up and face in life, we find ourselves always doing the same thing: waiting. 

You are either waiting on someone or something.

And there you are. Waiting for that phone call. Waiting for that email. Waiting for the storm to end. Waiting for the pain to go away. Waiting for that person to stop walking down a self-destructive path. Waiting for the light to turn green. Waiting for the sun to come up. And so you wait.

Or someone is waiting on you.

And there they are. They wait for you to call. They wait for you to email. They wait on you to say yes. They wait on you to say no. They wait on you to show up. They wait on you to leave. And so they wait.

You wait. They wait.

We wait and we wade. We wait through it all and wade through the waters, saying "Lord, help us." And sometimes, that is all we can do. That is all we can know to do--call upon the One who controls it all.

There is no way around it and I do not think I will ever have some deep revelation about it other than, you learn to wait.

And in the moments of waiting, a new story comes into the picture that has you endlessly turning the pages for the next chapters. And before you knew it, your waiting is no longer. And one story closed as a new one has begun. So what now? Eh, put in the bookmark, take a deep breath and let's go outside.


 

What I'm Not.

No, I'm not engaged.
No, I'm not married.
No, I'm not buying a house.
No, I'm not having a baby.
No, I'm not living out my dream job.


The 20s are funny. This time is a funny one. I still wake up concerned with what to eat for breakfast rather than my child crying. I still plan my week according to my own time and schedule and not with my husband. I still live in an apartment and pay rent. I still work at a job that I never saw myself doing.

And you know what? I'm good with this, people.

I am beyond happy for the people I know that have everything that I listed above, blessings and love to you all, truly. I have most likely danced at your weddings, invited myself over to your house and babysat your children and convinced them I'm the coolest aunt regardless if we're blood related or not.

And to the ones that are the "not list" with me, let's hang out.

S

To the seasoned and the troubled: Hold on

She sings in riddles. She writes in phrases.
But what if all these words were empty vases?

From shadows to sunshines, mystery is unveiled.
And she dances to the simple.

She hopes in numbers. She remembers in story.
And the yesterday and the tomorrow become a faded glory.

From muck and sackcloth, hope prevails.
And she stands on a rock in the middle of a dark place.

She breathes in desperation. She exhales a jaded fear.
And she clings to a truth that is forever near.

From weary to different, peace calms.
And she breathes.

She breathes.

To the Zoo.

So, it’s been some time. Sorry? I could tell you that “I’ve been so busy,” that “life is just crazy right now,” or that “I’ve barely had any time to do anything lately.” I could tell you that. I could. But I won’t. Because why? You make time for what you want to make time for. That’s why I get mad at myself if I ever find myself saying that to someone. That’s why sometimes relationships and friendships can be a hard pill to swallow, especially when the person on the reciprocating end, well, just doesn't reciprocate. It’s not that they don’t care about you, but well, they’re not making time for you.  That’s life, baby. But rejoice, there are those that do care. With all that I say, I haven’t blogged lately because I have not wanted to blog. I have not wanted to type out my thoughts or feelings or viewpoints. Rather, this sweet little era of blogging silence has been extremely loud in my little corner of the world. Much to live and many mental photos taken. Laughs shared. Tears cried. And breakthroughs. And from these moments, with pen in hand, I wrote. 

So really, you could say I have been “blogging”, but just off the record and undisclosed. Only for my maker and me. But, dear friends, thank you for your patience, for your support and for your quiet reads. Because I know there have been many of you checking this daily—to see when the next entry would post. And each day, a teeny little piece of hope chipped away. That, or your life was the same. 

What’s my inspiration now? Simple: We Bought a Zoo. Man, what a good movie. I love cats and I love that you can see the face of a domesticated kitten in a huge ferocious tiger. That’s comforting to me. No? 

There is a scene in this movie that is pure truth. It takes place when Dylan and his dad (Matt Damon) begin screaming at each other. Dylan was upset that they uprooted their lives, moved out to the middle of nowhere to start a zoo and the fact that his mom passed away. He’s angry. He’s hurt.

Matt, even though he is sad too that he lost his wife, is upset with Dylan that he keeps moping around and that he keeps feeling sorry for himself when no one else is doing that. He tells him that he needs help with Dylan’s little sister. And then, the pinnacle of the emotions erupted. Matt, yelling to Dylan, “I need your help! Help me, help me!”

And Dylan’s response, “Help ME! Help ME!”

Now, some loved this movie. Some thought it was cheesy. I don’t care with either "somes" say. This moment is brilliant. Why? Because it’s need for need. It’s hurt for hurt. And it’s all expressed in two lines.

That was the breaking moment in the father-son relationship in this movie. From there you begin to see them communicate in a weird way—but having an understanding with each other.

Why did I find this so fascinating? Because when we express our needs and say that we need help, it brings a vulnerability to the surface that some might never know or never understand, unless we just say it. Help me. Help me.

It was the painful and tearful plea from the son that really demonstrated to me how we are the children and are dying for the help of a father, a real Father. A Father that doesn’t need our help at all. A Father that knows what we need . A Father that meets our needs. A Father that is our help. A Father that will hold our hearts in pain. A Father that will rejoice with us in victories. And a Father whose love is more powerful than the ferocity of any lion. A Father that will never stop fighting for us.

So what now? I know kids, let's go buy a zoo.

-S

Life in Resolutions. Or Not.

And again. Another year down. Another year we can breathe in and exhale and think, "Wow. It already happened."

For some, 2011 was incredible. You got married. You had babies. You fell in love. You got the job of your dreams. You travelled to places you have always wanted to go.You accomplished something that you had on your bucket list.

For others, 2011 was a year of pain. You lost someone close to you. You lost your job. You accrued more debt. All you feel like that happened this year was that you were becoming accustomed to the feeling of loss and pain.

Either way, whatever kind of year it was for you: You made it. You're still breathing. You're still here.

You can ask any of my friends, but I really do not like New Years. I believe it is overrated and another excuse to get a large crowd of people into a small place to celebrate really nothing at all but the clock ticking to a new second. I know, I'm kind of cynical and sometimes seem depressing about certain concepts in life. But really I'm not. Well, think what you want. The main point that kills me about a new year is the "resolutions." Don't misunderstand me, I do not think that resolutions and goals are wrong. But the fact that we have the wait until January 1 to realize that we need to change something. We need to better something. We need to do this more or do this less. Or lose that. Or accomplish this. I find that exhausting. I think it is great for those who set a goal and accomplish it throughout the year. Way to go! But the world does not care about the goals you set. The world does not care about the people in your family. The world does not care about the places you want to travel. Baby, the world does not care about you.

You can disagree with me all you want. Go ahead. I'm the one typing and you're the one still reading. But the fact of the matter is for those I mentioned who had the great year and for the ones who are thankful they still have a roof over their heads, we all need one thing: hope.


There is only One who brings Hope. And this hope is not just on January 1, 2012. This hope is every day. This hope is all the time.

I will be very honest: I think I am the most angry with myself I have been in a very long time. For many reasons that I will not write about because that is not what matters. What matters is that I can rejoice in a hope in something better. A hope that is bigger. A hope that is Jesus. The One who cares about the goals you set. The One who cares about the people in your family. The One who cares about the places you want to travel. The One who cares about you.

So, I'm into rap. Well kind of. Certain songs. But there is this one Christian rap song called, Hero, by Trip Lee featuring Jai (I want her voice. I pray for it). When I go running I listen to this song on repeat. And there are two lines that I love:

Jesus succeeded in every part of life that we failed. 
You're my hero. You've already saved the day. You're my hero.

In spite of my mess that I look back on and call 2011--He's my hero. And there are small blessings and big blessings that I know I sometimes overlook or do not always see at first. And I really really need Him. Like really really. And of course, I have a lot to "work on." But thank God that He has saved the day. He has saved this crazy mess here and loves me as messy as I might be. And He loves you as messy as you might be. He died for us "messies" so that we could be made a new creation and live for Him. To help the other messes know that there is more to this life than accomplishing one of our resolutions for the next year.

Well, I guess I'll be trite and say, "Happy New Year." Or just "Happy New Day," I guess. I know, that's good stuff, huh? Breathe it in. You never know if we'll get a tomorrow.

-S