Have you ever found yourself counting days that you don't want to
lose? Moments you don't want to let go? Seconds that you'll never get
back?
Last May, my life changed, because my mind changed, because well, ultimately...
My heart changed.
And everything has been different since.
I write this with tears in my eyes and a nostalgic smile on my face.
And I blame it on three things: A letter, an email, and a Friday.
My
first year of teaching has been everything I never thought it would be
and everything I would love it to be. My students. Those rambunctious
souls with deep and questioning thoughts. They leave me tired, yet
thankful.
There was that one student. The day she read me a letter in
front of 20 boys, I couldn't help but attempt to hold the tears, yet
lost the battle for my cheeks to catch. In just months, I felt I had
made a difference. In just months, my life had changed.
If only they all knew.
There
are those students you find yourself constantly doing everything in
your heart and soul to get to try, to understand, or to comprehend. And
at some point, you surrender them to the good Lord, and well, you pray.
And mostly, you hope they will do alright on the state test. The
results were delivered in an email. And what I saw on my computer screen
brought a smile to my face. And well, to no surprise, I cried. No, that
was a lie. I wept. And oh, I sobbed. With tears of sweet, sweet
joy, I let those bad boys roll down my face. Because those few that were
thought by some as ones who wouldn't make it, who wouldn't pass...They did.
I rejoiced in that quiet moment in my classroom after school realizing
that their stories become a piece of mine. And never will I believe one test defines their ability, but what a great moment it was to deliver that news to those students.
Their pain becomes my pain.
And their success becomes my success.
It's not every year I'm going to get to teach a classroom full of all boys. Yes, ALL boys. But this year was my year. It was Friday. They were ready to go. I can't blame them. They have my class the last hour and half of the day, and the weekend was at their anxious finger tips. And then it happened. They decided to act up. They decided to get out of control. And my response was what changed their attitudes that following Monday. But in the moment, they didn't know how to respond. They didn't know what to do. They almost looked, upset with themselves...And that, I had never seen. Who knows? Maybe it was the way I didn't raise my voice. Maybe it was the way that I was very real with them all and told them that I loved them and I was deeply hurt and disappointed. Maybe it was the fact that my eyes were watering (I was not actually going to cry, but I was functioning off three hours of sleep the night before, so that did help my case). But, the sincerity in some of their apologies after reminded me one simple truth:
They all need grace. Every day. Because, I do too. Every day.
A letter. An email. A Friday. And every single day this past year, I have witnessed my world forever change in an irrevocable, unequivocal way, that only leads me to a place I have never found myself before: content.
For the first time in my life, I can say that I love what I get to do every day. I love that I get to spend my days staring into the eyes of young and brilliant minds, rather than staring at a computer screen for hours on end. I love that I get to know the little and big pieces of their lives. I love that they invite me in to share their stories--the good and bad.
A year ago I prayed on the way to work that if I never become a mother, the Lord would make me a different kind of mother. A spiritual mother. One who guides, loves, and speaks peace over youth. Now, I'm not going to say this is where I will stay forever; however, I do believe that if this is just the first chapter...I'm ready for a really long novel of adventure.
And I know that last statement was corny. But in the sophisticated words of Kate Winslet (because everything sounds better when you are British), "I like corny. I'm looking for corny in my life."
I believe in the power of loving until it hurts, giving others grace, and finding joy in what you do every day. And fine, I really enjoy the movie The Holiday.
Be Corny, be you.
-S
