I wrote the beginning of this entry a couple of weeks ago. However, it was not until today that I was able to complete the scattered thoughts that still dance within my mind.
June 2, 2015
I know I have not written in a while. That does not mean I have not written offline and on my own tangible pages. Sometimes, that is just more of what we might need.
There are days when we just feel inspired; today is not that day for me.
This is the last week of school.
This year has been difficult.
Incredibly difficult.
Today was one of those days that reminded me why.
I love my students. Today my heart broke. And I walked out the school doors with tears in my eyes. When I made it to my car, I found myself sobbing.
Not because I was tired.
Not because I felt done.
I cried because I felt so helpless.
Earlier in the day I found myself saying to my students, "If I teach you anything in this world, fight for what you believe in. And never give up." And today in my car, I felt a small moment of surrender... a moment of pain that comes in waves every now and then. It is the kind of moment that reminds me that, no matter how hard I might fight, I cannot fix them. I cannot change them. I cannot alter their circumstances...regardless of how much I might love them. I cannot be the cushion to their falls.
And I have to be alright with that.
But I do not know if I will ever know how to do that.
My heart does not quite settle into that thought. I do not think it knows how to do so.
June 22, 2015
After a few weeks of stepping outside of the classroom, it still does not change how I feel.
My heart gets excited thinking about the next school year.
My heart gets anxious thinking about the next school year.
My heart gets burdened thinking about the next school year.
However, my heart becomes hopeful.
My heart becomes hopeful.
As I reflect on my life, I find myself thinking about how, at some point, someone has taken a chance on me. That includes big chances and small chances, in every single avenue of my life.
Chances. So many chances.
It eases my fears to know that, no matter how many I have taken in my life on other people, there have been several souls who have taken some kind of chance on me. And I am reminded why I love what I get to do.
Each day we get a choice. Each day we get a chance.
And hallelujah for that.
-S
